The void sucks me in.

Sunday, August 8, 2010 12:50 PM

It's all in my mind.

ROD is over.
After rushing to complete script, decor, and everything else on time,
ROD is over.
Can't believe that I stayed awake long enough to stay awake till 12.30am of 7 August.
Seeing that I slept at 1.30am of 6 August, woke at 5.30am of 6 August...
Never mind, I am not focused right now.
ROD was less emotional as I felt it could be.
Apart from the Passing Off Parade.

POP.
Where our squad was situated was perfect to see Staff Jing Xian's face.
At some point of time, while commanding the unit, her face seemed to have spasmed,
and it appeared as though she needed to stare at Staff Ong Min in order to be composed.
Before the actual parade, I heard Staff Jovi tell the Sec 2s that this is the real thing.
"After I salute your IC Amanda, I won't be your Staff anymore."
Staff Jovi spoke of the words calmly.
But I could feel the sorrow in the words, and I bet his squad felt it too.

Sir Raymeo said that POP was our parade.
Yes, our NCOs made it as nice a parade as they could for us.
But strangely, there was no joy in marching forward to take over the unit.

Sir Raymeo said last year that the happiest moment as an IC was when you stepped forward to take the squad in the parade.
The saddest time was when you had to pass the squad to its new IC.
Our NCOs had to go through that thrice.

Sir Raymeo and all the other Sirs told us IMAGE, IMAGE, IMAGE.
Squadmates, perhaps you don't feel that strongly when they talk about image.
But for me, whose life is made up of facades, feel that strongly.
Squadmates, seriously.

Do we look like NCOs in their eyes?
I'm not even talking about drill standard now.

Sir Raymeo asked who tried to keep up their image, before NDP.
I was the only one who had her hand raised.
My drill is not good, I must admit. Others would do better, some juniors may do better.
But I gave my best to behave like an incoming-NCO, in front of the juniors.
We can slack and laugh and joke and be free- in NP room and out of their sight range.
But squadmates, in front of juniors, please don't forget IMAGE.
It's the reason why we respected each and every batch of NCOs who took us when they stepped up.

ROD.
It was less emotional than I thought, perhaps because I was rushing around too much to feel.
Staff Wenting said that I looked very stressed.
I guess I stressed myself over nothing.
Very good thing was that I ran around to about an equivalent to 2.4km? Exercise.
To buy the drinks, to go to the PA, to get the wallets, to... I don't know.
Random, sorry.

When I heard that Staff Ching Hun and Staff Ong Min had cried,
I felt extra bad that we didn't actually spend any time with them during Interaction or anything.
In fact, I think the worst thing that we did for the ROD was to have neglected our ICs.
Sec 3 ICs, Sec 2 ICs, Sec 1 ICs.
They were here for us. They took time off for us.
We had no time for them.
Superbly bad of us.

The gifts our ICs gave us were really beautiful.
The glass vase with those stars in them,
the messages for each of us.
I may not be a good Lit student, but I wonder if the stars meant that they hoped that we can shine in our own unique light, no matter whether we were in a confined space, or that there are other stars to compete in the light.
Each of us shine our own colour, to the best of our ability.
As one, as a squad, as part of humankind.
Or perhaps they caught stars from the skies, our sources of hope,
and placed them into bottles just for us.
I don't know.
But thank you, ICs.

The messages...
Their last gift to us was encouragement.
Really touched me.
I was surprised and pleased,
and grateful.
For appreciating myself I have never done well,
but they helped me realise that these tendencies of mine are not faults.
Thank you so much.

ROD has come and gone,
we are now "NCOs".
I don't think we will get used to it so soon.
Perhaps because we might not, in our heart, reach the standards of our ICs who've taken us- in our Sec 1, Sec 2, Sec 3.
But as Staff Ong Min said, not being good cadets doesn't mean we won't be good NCOs.
To quote Staff Jing Xian, for our squad-taking squadmates, (the part which the mike failed for Yang Sheng)
being squad IC meant sacrificing for the sake of the squad.

JIAYOU, Squadmates.
We did promise Staff Priscilla that we'll never give up.
Let's keep to that.

Labels: Deep Emotions

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

~ Profile ~

Tan Jing Yee
River Valley High School
RVNP HotShots! (sec1'08)
~~Shuqun Primary School~~
28 July

~ some quotes ~

♥ But I think... I want to live with all my memories. Even if they're bad memories. Even if they're memories that only hurt me... that I'd rather forget. If I keep them and keep trying, without running away, then someday I'll be strong enough that those memories can't defeat me. I believe that because I want to think that there's no such thing as a memory that's ok to forget.

♥ Pain, suffering. It's pointless to just think about those things. The traveler (referring to "The Most Foolish Traveler" by Natsuki Takaya) didn't. That may be stupid to some people but that's not stupid to me. Yuki... Kyo... when you close your eyes, what do you think?

♥ Just as no matter how hard you try to keep it away... despair will attack you again and again. In the same manner hope will return to you. Again and again.

♥ Someday... no matter how cold it is now... the snow will melt. Without fail.

♥ For there to be pain, there has to be kindness. For darkness to stand out, there has to be the sun.

♥ Maybe I'm not perfect. Maybe I have a long way to go. But someday... someday I'll be able to stand and walk on my own. Without hurting anyone... and without being a burden.

♥ We're all born with selfish desires so we can relate to those feelings in others. But kindness is created individually by each person... So it's easy to misunderstand when someone is trying to be kind to you... But, Tohru, people's differences are something to celebrate.

♥ "And if when everything ends, nothing is left in my hands...that's alright."

♥ Mingling with people, hurting them, getting hurt by them. That's how you learn about people and about yourself. If you don't, you'll never care about anyone but yourself.

♥ I want to be the only one... who can help the one I care about.

♥ "I wish I could have lived... In a kind world. Without anxiety. Without fear. Without hurting other people. Without being hurt myself. Only doing the right things. I wish I could have followed... The shortest path... To the kind world I wish for. I wish... I could have lived my life... Without making any wrong turns. But that is impossible. A path like that doesn't exist. We fail. We trip. We get lost. We make mistakes. And little by little, one step at a time... we push forward. It's all we can do. On our own two feet. Even if we get a little banged up. Someday, we'll reach something. We'll reach someone. We pray."

♥ "Crowds used to make me wonder. How many people would notice if I disappeared? I used to mull over that kind of thing constantly... once upon a time. But now... I'm a little different. It's not like that. It doesn't have to be... A lot of people. Even if it's just one person. That's enough. Having one person... is an incredible thing. Because then... It can't be zero. I was happy. I was happy then, too. I was so happy, it tickled. In the midst of all those people... She singled me out... and found me. And it's the same thing now. Having someone other than yourself... thinking of you. Looking... for you. You can't take that for granted. It's a miraculous and blessed thing."

♥ "... please don't cry anymore. I know that happy things... and fun things.. eventually come to an end. But things that are scary and sad... come to an end too. They always do. Even if you can't always believe that... please don't give up. Live. I want you to live. Even if you make a mistake, even if you take the long way, it's still okay... Just please... please live. Don't give up on pushing forward. Please. At least don't give up on that. Even if I'm not... by your side."

♥ Often times in memory, we have the tendency to overly romanticize the people we care about.

♥ Humans may be fragile creatures, but they're not weak to the extent to being crushed by their painful memories even after they meet with something unfortunate. We're far more resilient that that. Everything will be alright.

♥ "Don't worry, Kanade. What a person has actually gone through is unexpectedly different from what he remembers. Even though that gap may leave him feeling sad sometimes... Even the most vivdly clear memory... will change with time eventually."

♥ "Humans are amazing. Even though they may not see something physically... They'll still sense it. Everything else is the same. If you work hard, others will know that you work hard. If you don't work hard, others will know that you don't work hard."

♥ "Someday... You'll find someone who'll know all your good and bad points... And who'll still love you all the same."

♥ If... There was ever a Land of the Blindfolded, will the people of that land... Understand what it's like to have your blindfold come undone? Even if... Most people will never understand us... There might just be... Someone who can do that. It isn't easy to understand people's feelings... But that doesn't mean... That you're alone.

♥ It is not violence that best overcomes hate — nor vengeance that most certainly heals injury.

♥ The real courage is living and suffering for what you believe.

♥ “If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. i'll always be with you.”

♥ Do not pity the dead, Harry, pity the living. Above all pity those who live without love.

♥ 每一段记忆，都有一个密码。只要时间，地点，人物组合正确，无论尘封多久，那人那景都将在遗忘中重新拾起。你也许会说“不是都过去了吗？”其实过去的只是时间，你依然逃不出，想起了就微笑或悲伤的宿命，那种宿命本叫“无能为力”。

~ Leave your mark~

~Memories~

Click To View

~ Exits ~

Click To View

~ Credits ~