The void sucks me in.

Thursday, July 30, 2009 9:20 PM

It's all in my mind.

After seeing a particular squadmate's blog, I realise that we are similar. Unfortunately, I am unable to do anything, even if I would attempt to cross the gender barrier to make friends. After all, he is the one who socializes better. And basically because I have lost faith in guys, I believe. My writing style is inferior to his, but his posts have inspired me to open up a little. Then again, which critic can come and enlighten me? I don't know.

The heart is a weak thing. That i realise enough after reading my past journals. Sometimes I wonder why I bother to have a blog here, when there is countless of paper just a step away from me. Is it truly a need to socialize thus? I do not know. I do not know anymore.

But, no. That is not the point. I realise that after ZK, I had become what I would call crazy now, for all the rest of the primary school life. Basically. My theory, I'm not sure if it's posted somewhere in this blog already, but my theory is that what I could not get over was not ZK. Sure, his image lingered, and my heart reacted to seeing him, but that crazy (in the hurt, painful way) unbalanced behavior... Was because a part of me couldn't stop liking him. I don't want to say love- but it sure felt like it. And when the "No, I don't" was written, that part of me was torn away from my self. The one that I had been mourning so long was my self.

Weakened, the heart (shudders to say "my heart") struggles for support. All means related to Sqps. Close friends, who would not understand, but could tolerate it. Others- which was certainly a bad idea.

Professor Dumbledore had said that with understanding comes healing... something like that. My decision, the very worst one, was to write that I won't disturb him any more. No understanding, see. I suppose I was so unbalanced that until the end of Sqps life, we never got back to where we had started.

All my primary school life, I had made landmines for myself. Without knowing. Being too caught up with things being my fault. I can name several things I regret. And carrying these factors into secondary school, I burden myself. Too much.

I tried to write, but I realise that my style is too irregular. Unstable. From journals, I tried to switch to writing stories, but it didn't work out. I only could write sad scenes. Happy endings I could not think of. Perhaps it became an outlet for my emotions.

After the end of the June holidays, I realise that I have changed. A little. My writing skill, I reckon, degraded further, my EQ got worse, but that's not the point. The sorrow I can see from a third person's point of view, however, fully feeling for the subject. It is interesting to hear that EnQi fills up the empty space in her in various ways- I think back. Last act, I "emo"-ed, but I did not feel anything while I did. A curious thing- I was thinking about the squad, and the gaping hole did not affect me. Little awareness for my surrounding. Occasionally looking up and smiling, to acknowledge my existance. Too used to the emptiness? I don't know.

Perhaps what we should do is leave our character standing upon the everchanging stage of life, and try to see from the director's stand. Perhaps we would realise more. Perhaps we would appreciate more. Perhaps... nothing would be gained.

But still, who could truly give you advice for such matters of the heart?

Battle on.

Not the game, dammit.

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

~ Profile ~

Tan Jing Yee
River Valley High School
RVNP HotShots! (sec1'08)
~~Shuqun Primary School~~
28 July

~ some quotes ~

♥ But I think... I want to live with all my memories. Even if they're bad memories. Even if they're memories that only hurt me... that I'd rather forget. If I keep them and keep trying, without running away, then someday I'll be strong enough that those memories can't defeat me. I believe that because I want to think that there's no such thing as a memory that's ok to forget.

♥ Pain, suffering. It's pointless to just think about those things. The traveler (referring to "The Most Foolish Traveler" by Natsuki Takaya) didn't. That may be stupid to some people but that's not stupid to me. Yuki... Kyo... when you close your eyes, what do you think?

♥ Just as no matter how hard you try to keep it away... despair will attack you again and again. In the same manner hope will return to you. Again and again.

♥ Someday... no matter how cold it is now... the snow will melt. Without fail.

♥ For there to be pain, there has to be kindness. For darkness to stand out, there has to be the sun.

♥ Maybe I'm not perfect. Maybe I have a long way to go. But someday... someday I'll be able to stand and walk on my own. Without hurting anyone... and without being a burden.

♥ We're all born with selfish desires so we can relate to those feelings in others. But kindness is created individually by each person... So it's easy to misunderstand when someone is trying to be kind to you... But, Tohru, people's differences are something to celebrate.

♥ "And if when everything ends, nothing is left in my hands...that's alright."

♥ Mingling with people, hurting them, getting hurt by them. That's how you learn about people and about yourself. If you don't, you'll never care about anyone but yourself.

♥ I want to be the only one... who can help the one I care about.

♥ "I wish I could have lived... In a kind world. Without anxiety. Without fear. Without hurting other people. Without being hurt myself. Only doing the right things. I wish I could have followed... The shortest path... To the kind world I wish for. I wish... I could have lived my life... Without making any wrong turns. But that is impossible. A path like that doesn't exist. We fail. We trip. We get lost. We make mistakes. And little by little, one step at a time... we push forward. It's all we can do. On our own two feet. Even if we get a little banged up. Someday, we'll reach something. We'll reach someone. We pray."

♥ "Crowds used to make me wonder. How many people would notice if I disappeared? I used to mull over that kind of thing constantly... once upon a time. But now... I'm a little different. It's not like that. It doesn't have to be... A lot of people. Even if it's just one person. That's enough. Having one person... is an incredible thing. Because then... It can't be zero. I was happy. I was happy then, too. I was so happy, it tickled. In the midst of all those people... She singled me out... and found me. And it's the same thing now. Having someone other than yourself... thinking of you. Looking... for you. You can't take that for granted. It's a miraculous and blessed thing."

♥ "... please don't cry anymore. I know that happy things... and fun things.. eventually come to an end. But things that are scary and sad... come to an end too. They always do. Even if you can't always believe that... please don't give up. Live. I want you to live. Even if you make a mistake, even if you take the long way, it's still okay... Just please... please live. Don't give up on pushing forward. Please. At least don't give up on that. Even if I'm not... by your side."

♥ Often times in memory, we have the tendency to overly romanticize the people we care about.

♥ Humans may be fragile creatures, but they're not weak to the extent to being crushed by their painful memories even after they meet with something unfortunate. We're far more resilient that that. Everything will be alright.

♥ "Don't worry, Kanade. What a person has actually gone through is unexpectedly different from what he remembers. Even though that gap may leave him feeling sad sometimes... Even the most vivdly clear memory... will change with time eventually."

♥ "Humans are amazing. Even though they may not see something physically... They'll still sense it. Everything else is the same. If you work hard, others will know that you work hard. If you don't work hard, others will know that you don't work hard."

♥ "Someday... You'll find someone who'll know all your good and bad points... And who'll still love you all the same."

♥ If... There was ever a Land of the Blindfolded, will the people of that land... Understand what it's like to have your blindfold come undone? Even if... Most people will never understand us... There might just be... Someone who can do that. It isn't easy to understand people's feelings... But that doesn't mean... That you're alone.

♥ It is not violence that best overcomes hate — nor vengeance that most certainly heals injury.

♥ The real courage is living and suffering for what you believe.

♥ “If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. i'll always be with you.”

♥ Do not pity the dead, Harry, pity the living. Above all pity those who live without love.

♥ 每一段记忆，都有一个密码。只要时间，地点，人物组合正确，无论尘封多久，那人那景都将在遗忘中重新拾起。你也许会说“不是都过去了吗？”其实过去的只是时间，你依然逃不出，想起了就微笑或悲伤的宿命，那种宿命本叫“无能为力”。

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